


cool yourself

by robnauts



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Tabletop Gaming, Emotional Maturity, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Safe For Nick/Newbies, Slice of Life, no knowledge of ttrpgs necessary, what if... characters went to therapy? and were relatively emotionally stable?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robnauts/pseuds/robnauts
Summary: Fai, Kurogane, and their fellow party members traverse a fantastical continent following quests given to them by a mysterious witch, keeping secrets and growing closer.Longtime best friends Yuui and Youou play the TTRPGHere Be Dragonsand slowly realize it's finally their time. Youou drives on the freeway. Yuui cooks a lot of dinners for his friends.
Relationships: Fay D. Fluorite/Kurogane
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53
Collections: 2020 KuroFai Olympics - Fluff vs Angst





	cool yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my fic for Team Fluff, for the prompt "Here Be Dragons"!
> 
> A guide to the modern setting's names:  
> Fai = Yuui  
> Kurogane = Youou  
> Sakura = Tsubasa  
> Syaoran = Chibang
> 
> This fic is pretty light and fluffy, but here's a couple content warnings for things that are mentioned as occurring in the past and are not described in detail: an abusive dad, parental death, depression, denial of access to psychiatric care, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Our main characters are doing fairly well for themselves in the actual story, though! This is a story about being past your bad times. :)

Fai couldn't help but fidget. The magic that soaked the witch’s home was distracting at best, maddening at worse. He ran his fingers over the engravings on the bow in its sling at his side. He plucked the string, feeling the vibration run up his arm and whirl around his fragile bones. The bow was one of the only things he’d managed to salvage from home before he ran. To his fortune, it was lightly enchanted and attuning to himself had been a breeze. His educated guess is that it was northern magic - older, but not ancient. It was decent sorcery, to be sure, but he’d felt grander magics before, made of stronger stuff...

He flinched. No. That was all shut away in the past. He would never do any of that again, despite the instinctive reaching and longing for it all that runs through his veins. It wouldn’t help anything to think about it. He could only think about staying hidden and staying safe.

The witch’s eyes were knowing (too knowing - witches, witches, witches), and addressed each of the people assembled in her home in vague, mysterious tones about what they needed to do. It was all a display of power and authority, but it was useful information about the others: the young halfling girl had to create what she could not retrieve; the monk boy had to protect what he could no longer hold; the swordsman had to find what he could not see; and Fai himself had to reveal what could not fly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” said the swordsman, glaring at him like Fai had any answers he was at liberty to share at this point in time.

Fai brightened his blithe silly smile. “I haven’t the foggiest. I know I’m here for a job, just like you!”

The swordsman stared piercingly at him. Fai steadily smiled back.

The halfling girl fidgeted, and asked exactly what job they were meant to go on.

The witch began to rattle off the details of a town surrounded by guardian statues, and the magical item she needed them to procure from a singer’s possession, and by what day they could expect their next job. Fai committed it all to memory - the monk boy was taking down notes, how darling - and studiously ignored the bright red gaze of the swordsman.

Stare all you like, he thought. You won’t see me for what I am.

* * *

“That was a good first session,” Yuui comments, settling the floral-patterned dish with the remainders of the pizza-casserole-thing he’d brought on the floor in the back of the car.

“Make sure the lid’s tight on that thing, I don’t want a repeat of the pina coladas from junior year,” Youou warns.

“I have said over and over that I am  _ sorry _ about that,” Yuui sighs melodramatically, sliding into the passenger seat. “Are you gonna hold it over my head forever, big guy?”

“Every time you bring food into my car, the memory haunts me,” he says flatly, and is rewarded with a light, melodious laugh. Yuui pushes his hair behind his ear, and Youou finds his eyes tracking the movement. Good thing he hasn’t started the car yet.

“But anyway. I like Here Be Dragons so far - it’s a good game,” Yuui says. “And Tomoyo is a great GM.”

“Isn’t she?” Youou can’t help the proud little smile that tugs at his mouth. “Knew she would be. She’s always been into telling stories.” He starts the car, and pulls carefully out of the rat maze-shoebox parking situation of Tomoyo’s apartment complex.

“Thanks again for inviting me,” Yuui says. “I really only played D&D those couple times with you and your old roommates, and I know I was just terrible at it. It’s fun having a planned dynamic between our characters! Now I get to bother you constantly -  _ as a wizard.” _

“You only bother me  _ most  _ of the time,” Youou says, and Yuui snorts. He continues, “And you weren’t that bad back then; D&D just sucks for newcomers. Too much reading and mathy prep work - it’s hard to jump in. Plus all the, y’know, imperialism inherent to the system. Glad Tomoyo is using something else. I figured you’d like how roleplay-driven it is.”

“Okay, okay, I get it, you tabletop dweeb,” Yuui laughs. They’re waiting at a stoplight. The streetlights’ glow falls on his face and leave shadows that play over his cheeks and eyes. Youou has never been able to stop himself from looking. “You have _ opinions _ on this subculture. Just take the ‘thanks for including me’ already.”

“I am nowhere near Tomoyo’s level about tabletop dweebiness,” Youou throws in one last defense. “But yeah, of course. There’s no one else I’d ask, honestly.”

“Oh?” There’s a threadiness to the single syllable. The light flashes green.

Youou takes his foot off the brake. “Well, I trust my cousin and her little friends around you, first off. Two, I think you’d have a lot of fun with it, and I was right. And honestly you’re the one friend I have who isn’t also a psych grad student.”

“Ah, I see. I’m the dregs after everyone else we knew graduated and scattered to the winds.”

“Don’t call yourself the dregs of our friend group when we knew Saiga.”

“Point. Okay, I’m the marshmallows floating on top.”

“Of the coffee? God, of course you put marshmallows in coffee.”

“Wait, what?”

“You called yourself the dregs of everyone we knew. That’s coffee.”

“It could also be tea. Tea has dregs. Anyway - I switched the metaphor to hot chocolate.”

“Warn a guy.”

“Oh, my  _ sincerest _ apologies, dear sir, I’ll make sure to  _ humbly beg _ your permission before I steer the joke in a different direction.”

“Damn right.”

This makes Yuui laugh. They’re on the freeway now, familiar billboards moving behind them, advertising the local restaurants and the local realtors and, of course, the Denny’s. Yuui’s exit is the one after next.

“Anyway, anyway - your cousin and her friends are all very sweet. I’m glad they liked my casserole - it’s undergrad bait, but if the food shoe fits...”

“They’re good kids. Apparently they had a campaign together during high school with Tsubasa’s older brother and his boyfriend, which kind of shows in how the three of them can read each other’s minds - “

“But they were very good at looping us in!”

“Well, I was the one who Tomoyo played dolls with when she was a kid. She’s used to me. But you’re likeable, you brought food - you were a shoe-in.”

“Oh stop, you flatterer, I’m blushing.”

“Just my honest opinion.”

“Okay, now I’m  _ really _ blushing.” There’s the strain of an embarrassed smile. Youou risks a glance away from the road - Yuui has a hand on his cheek, his eyes focused out the side window.

_ Someday you’ll learn to take a compliment and not cringe away from it, _ Youou thinks, but knows not to say.

The rest of the drive is spent with Yuui talking about a discussion he had with his advisor on a minor point of his thesis, Youou nodding along as he pulls off the exit and winds through the streets to Yuui’s apartment, past the pet hospital and the Mexican place and the realtor’s office. They sit in the car for a moment after he parks as Yuui finishes up his story. Youou takes the opportunity to look at him.

His roots are starting to show. His face is less gaunt than it used to be. His hands flutter around in the air as he talks, like little birds, like he’s playing the piano.

God, how sappy. Only Yuui gets him thinking this way. He’s made his peace with that. He’s had to. He’ll keep having to.

Eventually, Yuui wraps up, and there’s no more reason for him to sit in the car. He gathers his bag in his lap, unbuckles his seatbelt. “Thanks again for the ride. And for the invite.”

“How many times are you gonna thank me for that?”

“Probably every time we have a session for the next three months. Maybe two if you’re lucky. Tell Tomoyo thank you too.”

“You already told her like four times.”

“Well, tell her again for me.”

“We’ll see.”

“You good to hang out on Thursday?”

“Nah. Had to reschedule therapy since Martinez wants me to attend some department meeting next Tuesday.”

“Damnable Martinez! Then I’ll see you next Sunday for the next session, most likely.”

“Say hi to your cat for me.”

“...You can always just come up and say hi to Chii yourself, you know. She misses you. I can tell.” Yuui has his face hidden in the backseat, getting his cookware - that’s probably the only reason he’s extending the invitation. Youou wants badly to say yes to Yuui’s moment of openness - to sit on that ugly floral-patterned couch and accept the fruity tea Yuui would offer him and gripe about how Yuui doesn’t drink anything if it isn’t half sugar or syrup and watch Yuui putter around the kitchen making his lunch for the next day while his clingy cat settles herself in his lap.

But -- “I would, but I still have stuff to grade and my 8 AM tomorrow. Nguyen wants me leading discussion groups.”

“Ah. Never mind then! Say hi to Ginryuu for me too. Drive safe. Thanks again. G’night!” The door slams closed - Yuui’s free hand crinkles a little wave - and there he goes, darting up the stairs to his door.

Youou waits until he gets inside, and until the lights flick on, and then thirty seconds after that. He’s paranoid, yeah, but it’s harmless. He’d rather know Yuui was safe in his home than spend the rest of the night trying to quell his overactive guilt reflex over not being sure.

He lets out a long breath.

Clunks his head against the wheel.

* * *

Fai heard soft movement to his right. He twitched.

“There’s still another hour before your watch, you know.”

A grunt. “Heard something.”

Even though he knew the sound Kurogane had heard was some sort of small animal (little heart beating, hiding at every opportunity, blood running hot and quick through its veins), Fai dutifully scanned the edges of the flickering light their campfire cast - the grey shapes of the trees beyond the clearing. They were camped out a mile out from the lord’s castle, their presence as stealthy as possible, but they knew he knew they were coming.

“Well, you can trust my eyes and ears, Kuro, I didn’t hear anything that spells trouble for us.”

“Don’t call me that. And are you sure you didn’t?”

“Elf ears aren’t this long for show, you know.” Well, technically they are. But Kurogane doesn’t need to know that they aren’t actually elf ears.

“Can’t you cast some kind of scanning spell or whatever? I can tell you’re a mage.”

Fai wrapped his cloak tighter around himself, determinedly keeping his eyes fixed on the darkness. He didn’t want to know how Kurogane could sense that. He didn’t want to know what else Kurogane might see. “I said right at the beginning of our employment by the witch - I use my bow.”

“You’d be more help if you used spells.”

“That simply isn’t going to happen.”

“Why?”

Oh, enough of this. He stood, shaking pine needles off his cloak. Kurogane’s gaze rose with him, never leaving his face. “Listen, Mr. Swordsman, I don’t think my choices will cause any trouble for you as long as my arrows hit where I aim them!”

Kurogane glared. “Better hope you stay lucky.”

Fai had to push through the way that slammed into him. He forced a smile. “Don’t we all? I’m going to go scout the perimeter. You should whisk yourself back to dreamland.” And with that, he stalked away from the glow of the campfire, from the sleeping bodies of the halfling and the monk, and the torrent of prying questions from a man covered in intricate flame heraldry.

As he left, his ears couldn’t help but pick up a grumble of  _ So you won’t talk. Fine by me. _

* * *

“Why  _ doesn’t _ Fai use magic, anyway?”

Yuui’s head pops up in Youou’s rearview mirror. Tonight there were the remains of a broccoli lasagna in the dishware. “Are you  _ seriously _ asking me for backstory? After all that intentional ambiguity I shoved in your face tonight?”

A small, uncharitable part of Youou’s mind says  _ you do that all the time. _ He puts that aside for now. “Figured I might as well ask.”

“You’ve asked that after every session for the last three weeks! Well, I won’t tell you out of character what I won’t tell you while in character,” Yuui says haughtily, closing the back door. He flops down into the passenger seat, leaning back with a small hum - his back’s been starting to ache recently. Serves him right for all that slouching. “Tomoyo promised a character-focused campaign and helped me make a very intricate backstory and I’m planning on milking Fai’s mysterious origins for as long as I possibly can.”

“Buckle your seatbelt.”

“Yes, yes, Mr. Safety,” Yuui says airily while doing as asked. “And I know we discussed our characters’ dynamic beforehand and you told me to call you out if you ever get too rude, et cetera et cetera, you are very responsible, your therapist must be very proud.”

“Trust me, she is,” Youou snorts. “You should see how jam-packed her notepad gets when I tell her what I was like as a teenager.”

“Ah, the terrible teens! You’re lucky you met me after I graduated high school,” Yuui laughs. “If I’m bad now, I was ten times worse back then.”

“You’re not bad now,” Youou says automatically. Yuui  _ hmm _ s. Youou starts the car, pulls away from the curb, and decides to push his luck. “What kind of ‘bad’ were you?”

“Oh, you know,” Yuui shrugs, then fails to elaborate.

Youou sighs - maybe volunteering his own shit first will help. Yuui was a clam in his last life. Youou himself tends to only tell his shit to his therapist because it’s already enough of a struggle to tell  _ her _ about it, much less people he’s not paying to help him cope. One of her angles recently has been  _ maybe you should  _ try _ talking about how you feel about your trauma to your close friends too. Not all of it at once, of course, but little bits when you feel comfortable. _ They know general details about each other’s pasts - Yuui doesn’t talk to his dad anymore, Youou’s parents are dead - but both of them quickly learned that talking about their tragic backstories was a quick trip to discomfort.

But they’ve grown up. And Youou finds that he doesn’t mind telling Yuui about it. “Well, I was really angry all the time.”

“You’re angry all the time now,” Yuui teases, voice quick and eager to pursue. “Like a barking dog! I’ve heard half your students are afraid of you! The other half think you’re the handsomest grad student on campus.”

“You’re exaggerating, it’s a 90/10 split. And… ugh. You remember how I was when you first met me. Like that, but worse.”

“You were a gentleman when it counted.” Yuui sounds airy, yet very sure. Youou keeps his eyes on the road. He knows what Yuui’s referring to. Getting into that is not something he wants to do until Yuui actually wants to grapple with it, which Youou can tell he doesn’t yet.

“Yeah, and that was after years of therapy from age 14 and my aunt and Tomoyo not giving up on me. But before that, in high school, I was breaking shit all the time. Spent so much time in the assistant principal’s office for yelling in class. Got into fights. Generally a pain in the ass little shit to deal with.”

“... well, I’m proud of you for growing so much. And I’m glad you had your family,” Yuui says softly. Youou glances over - Yuui’s hands are tightly laced together and he’s looking askance. His mouth is pinched at the corners.

When he was 16, Youou would have pushed and demanded something in return for his vulnerability. He would have needled and growled and jabbed at bruises, hoping to make a cry of pain come out at the same pitch as his own. But he’s not 16 anymore, and he can tell he’s not gonna get anything out of Yuui tonight. And he has to be okay with that. Knowing Yuui’s secrets is not life or death for him. His goal is not to smash against Yuui’s walls until they fall. Yuui being in his passenger seat after a couple hours of roleplaying in a fantasy game (watching him laugh, watching him urge Tomoyo and her friends to eat more of the food he brought, watching him pretend to be a wizard and play make-believe) - there’s no “goal” to having Yuui in his life. Having Yuui in his life is the goal.

In any way he can have him.

So he capitulates the topic. “I’m proud of you for growing, too,” he says, to slap on a final band-aid. Yuui shifts uncomfortably. Time to let him out (conversationally, not literally - they’re on the freeway. Nobody is going to open any doors). “You can put on some music if you want.”

Yuui brightens, relieved. “Oh, okay! I know  _ just _ what to put on.”

“Don’t put on that hundred geckos shit again or I’m making you walk the rest of the way home.”

“I  _ won’t  _ make you listen to 100 Gecs again, I can occasionally be a nice person who has good music taste and cherishes the sanctity of your poor, fragile ears.”

He puts on some album by some female indie singer. It sounds familiar - Yuui’s played it for him before. Youou remembers liking it.

The rest of the car ride is filled with a few songs - Yuui skips one, muttering  _ too sad  _ \- and when they arrive in front of Yuui’s apartment, Yuui sits there for a moment, insisting he listen to  _ this one part - the bridge, it’s so good, it’s coming up in a sec - okay listen! _

When he gathers his things, he has an easy smile on his face. When he says goodbye, he doesn’t linger unnecessarily, but he isn’t scrambling to be as hasty as possible. When he waves from his doorway, he keeps waving until Youou rolls his eyes and waves back.

* * *

Fai and Sakura had spent their day gathering information about the demon attacks while on their errands, picking up dry goods for the tavern and checking in on the blacksmith making Sakura’s new axe. The townspeople were still brightly smiling - too brightly, after a night of demon attacks that had left the constabulary a pile of rubble. Fai and Sakura had spent a lot of the afternoon whispering to each other in confusion and suspicion.

Something was fishy about this town, and not just the sale on four-day-old cod at the fishmonger’s.

Evening was sapping the sunset’s light from the sky, and Sakura was asleep in the back rooms, tuckered out from the day. Syaoran was meditating on the roof. Kurogane was picking at the croissant Fai had laid in front of him, a sneer of disgust on his face.

“I’ve told you I don’t like sweet things,” he said once more.

“Ah, but that’s a  _ magic _ croissant!” Fai chirped.

Kurogane squinted at him. “So let’s say you actually decided to whip out your mysterious forbidden magic for a  _ croissant. _ What does it do.”

“It makes you strong and brave and bold!”

“I already _ am _ all those things.” A cocky smile spread across his face, a sharp tooth poking out. Fai saw it, but made sure not to look. He saw Kurogane constantly - how could he avoid it - but he did all he could not to  _ look. _

Results varied. His fault for being greedy and selfish by nature.

Regardless - “In that case, it will make you humble!” Fai replied, tossing his hair theatrically. “Gods know you need it.”

“I don’t need to be humble. I know what I am. And I know  _ you,” _ he pointed his finger, “need to pull your weight.”

Oh, not this again. Fai raised his eyebrows. “Who made that croissant you’re eating?”

“I’m  _ not eating this sweet crap. _ You made it because you wanted to waste your time making it. I could have easily just bought it from a baker.”

“So you’d eat the croissant from a random baker off the street and not  _ mine?” _

Kurogane spluttered, turning a little red. Fai thought he could hear Sakura or Syaoran giggling from afar.

_ “I am not eating anybody’s croissant at any time,” _ he blustered, and Fai couldn’t help but laugh. Kurogane’s just too fun! He’s too fun, and Fai knew better. He’d started out their employment to the witch promising to stay smart and stay apart - but Fai was by definition a fool, and he coveted each unrestrained reaction Kurogane let slip.

But Kurogane didn’t have to ever know that. That was the important thing, and if he held onto that, it was okay for him to look.

Regardless of how he kept catching Kurogane looking back with those sharp red eyes.

It didn’t matter. He’d stay hidden, stay moving, and stay safe. He would never go back to how he was.

The streetlamp flicking on outside the window caught his eye. “Ah, it’s that time,” Fai said. “You and Syaoran should head out soon.”

Kurogane  _ hmm _ ed, hand fidgeting with the intricately engraved hilt of his sword - Fai was pretty sure it was meant to be some sort of bird, and it looked like a masterwork. Kurogane turned on his stool and looked out at the darkening street, eyes intent and sober.

Fai didn’t know why Kurogane took to attacking the demons that plagued this town with relish. He was curious (he  _ coveted) _ but he knew better than to ask. And to ask Kurogane personal questions was a one way ticket to being  _ asked _ personal questions, which Kurogane already did more than enough.

Then there was a scraping sound - Kurogane was pushing his plate back across the bar.

“I knew you’d be so ungrateful as to not finish your lovingly baked treat,” Fai bemoaned, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. “Running out into the night! Abandoning me!”

Kurogane squinted at him, opened his mouth - then closed it and rolled his eyes, standing up and muttering something under his breath. Fai could imagine what it was:  _ aren’t you the one always pushing me away, why are you whining about being abandoned? Stop giving mixed signals! Make up your mind! _

… the muttering had sounded more like “so melodramatic,” if Fai were to be honest. Maybe his imagination had been more honest than he’d like it to be.

Kurogane trudged upstairs. Fai decided to occupy all his brain power to washing dishes.

Washing dishes. When he was younger (much younger) he’d never have thought he’d be doing kitchen labor of his own volition. How circumstances change.

Syaoran and Kurogane entered the dining room, Syaoran stuffing the pouch with his new throwing stars into his pocket. Fai gave them a grand proclamation of  _ happy hunting, you two rascally puppies!  _ Syaoran bid him a polite goodbye with pink cheeks. Kurogane grunted, which was normal for him.

Before the door closed behind them, he couldn’t resist calling out -

“And if you meet any strange bakers in the street, let them know you have a croissant waiting for you back home!”

He heard Syaoran laughing out on the street and Kurogane letting out a loud  _ UGH. _ Fai laughed.

Then he sighed.

Back to the dishes.

* * *

Youou is still in total disbelief when they leave Tomoyo’s place. Yuui giggles like a hyena every time he glances at Youou’s gobsmacked expression.

“You were so  _ mad _ on Fai’s behalf, big guy! It isn’t like you to shout at Tomoyo like that!”

_ “She instakilled your character!!” _

“Calm down, calm down! I trust Tomoyo to have a plan.”

“She  _ instakilled _ your character,” Youou mutters again, pausing at a stop sign. “Right in the middle of the tavern! You didn’t even get in two turns before that guy hit you for twice your HP!”

“Yes, which makes me inclined to think she has something planned.”

“Hmph.”

Yuui’s phone buzzes once. “Ah, speak of the angel! Oh, apparently I’m not allowed to read you this.”

Youou rolls his eyes as Yuui lets out theatrical gasps and  _ hmm _ s and  _ oh! _ s, far more than Tomoyo’s text probably warrants.

“What did she say.”

“Fai is really and truly stone-cold dead.”

“She’s had convoluted schemes since she popped out of the womb. Try again.”

“But Kurogane was so upset! I want to give you as much roleplaying juice as possible. I am a bloodhound for backstory hints.”

“No, you’re a bloodhound for stealing cookies from Tomoyo’s kitchen.”

“I didn’t do that.”

“I literally saw you.”

“Maybe you hallucinated that in your grief for Fai.”

“Okay,  _ how _ into roleplaying do you think I can possibly get?”

“Enough to shout at your poor sweet baby cousin!  _ And  _ your poor sweet BFF!”

“We are in our twenties, we don’t have ‘BFFs.’ And you’re the one who didn’t use your turn to fight back or anything, same as that other fight in front of that pub! Bad enough you’re playing a caster who won’t use spells!” Maybe he is getting a little too into this. Anyway.

Luckily it all slides right off Yuui, who simply laughs smugly and chirps, “I have my reasons!”

“Yeah, and thank god I’m tanking for us so those  _ reasons _ don’t get one of the party killed.”

“You see! It’s fine,” Yuui announces, grinning widely. “And anyway, Fai being out of commission for next week is good. Tomoyo worked that in really well.”

Oh. Yeah, that. “You need a ride to the airport?” he asks, carefully.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Yuui says. His voice is teetering between  _ doing good _ and  _ trying to sound like he’s doing good. _ It’s harder to tell than usual. “I’ll text you the flight details. It’s a Thursday redeye. My flight back should be on Tuesday morning.” He starts humming an aimless tune and rummaging around the console for the aux cord. “Here, there’s a song I wanna show you.”

Youou gives a sarcastic, “Yes, Yuui, you can play music,” and Yuui returns with a little laugh and a “I promise you’ll like it! Or at least not hate it.” A gentle bassline fills the car, and Yuui leans back against his seat, tapping out the rhythm on his thigh and singing along under his breath. Youou merges onto the freeway.

Four nights ago, Yuui had shown up at his doorstep, eyes puffy and red, shaking like a leaf. Ginryuu had bounded up to him, tail wagging like crazy, and Yuui had extended a hand down to give a couple scratches behind his ear, murmuring  _ hi, Gingin, yeah, mommy’s here, sorry I don’t have any treats for you, baby _ as he’d stumbled inside. Youou had closed the door behind him, then took the treat bag down off the top of the fridge. Yuui had fed the huge black dog a couple Snausages, letting out a quivering laugh as Ginryuu snarfed them delicately from his hand. Then Youou had put an arm around his shoulders, led him to the couch, and sat him down.

Yuui had stared at his hands for a long moment, taking deep breaths. Then he'd whispered  _ he finally died.  _ And then he'd shuddered into tears.

They'd sat like that for a couple hours. Yuui would sometimes ramble in little spurts about his dad's mental and physical decline, about how he hadn't seen him in three years and now he was dead, about how he felt horrible for hating him and horrible for still loving him and horrible for missing him. Trailing off, rambling, stopping and starting and winding back - nothing he really wanted or needed Youou to respond to elaborately - just an incoherent deluge. 

Youou had held him. Ginryuu had laid on the other half of the couch, his big furry body pressed up warm and solid against Yuui. At certain points he'd start petting him to occupy his hands. Ginryuu was good for that - Youou knew that very well.

He remembers wishing he could do something tangibly useful - bring Yuui's father back to life to listen to Yuui's final thoughts, and then Youou could punch him back to death - but of course that wasn't anything possible or even useful. An impatient teenage part of him hungered for something to do to  _ fix _ this, but he's 25 now and knows that letting Yuui cry against him is all he can really do, and a sign of deep trust. He's learned that.

Yuui's still humming in the seat next to him, looking calm but okay. Tonight was the first time he's seen Yuui since, and he'd skipped extremely carefully up to Kurogane's car holding a crockpot full of stew with a smile on his face. Youou had looked at him carefully and simply said  _ you good? _ , and Yuui had replied,  _ I'm looking forward to playing. It's always fun. _

Youou hadn't been able to stop glancing at him, so Yuui had added,  _ don't worry too much. I just wanna have a good time tonight. The funeral's not for a couple days and I want some good memories to take with me back home. _

_ … okay. Let me know if you need to take a second. I'll cover for you. _

_ Ah, like that party two years ago where you sat outside the door of the bathroom I'd locked myself in to cry, and you yelled at anybody who tried to get in! My hero. _

_ Sure.  _ One corner of his mouth had tugged up at the memory.  _ Just like that. _

And Yuui hadn't needed any breaks tonight. It seemed like he’d genuinely had a really good time - he enjoys hanging out with the kids, and acts like a doting older sibling. They make him smile and laugh, and they like him too. Over the last couple months of playing Here Be Dragons, Youou has listened to Yuui gush over how charming the three of them are - how clever and creative Tomoyo is, how adorably earnest Chibang is, and how sweet and funny Tsubasa is. Youou completely agrees, although less effusively. The kids are good.

He’s also just happy to watch Yuui form positive relationships. It’s good to watch him flourish.

Youou remembers their undergrad years - the parties held by friends of friends, where Yuui would talk to anyone and everyone, soaking up fleeting meaningless interactions, make out with people neither of them knew, and drink and drink and drink. He remembers the frustration of feeling like he couldn't hold onto Yuui enough to protect him from nights that crashed and burned. He'd cursed himself for showing Yuui that vulnerability the spring before and cursed himself again for not abandoning this will-they-won't-they (they-won't), hating every time Yuui would devolve into  _ sorry sorry sorry, why do you stick around, sorry I can't be what you want me to be, I like you so much I wish I wasn't so fucked up.  _ And it had only been the knowledge that only cowards confess secrets when the other won't remember in the morning that had kept Youou from replying  _ I know all that, but what does that do for me, you indecisive asshole. _ Those were bad times.

Back then, this news might have sent Yuui crashing into pieces. Youou would have struggled to cope with being unable to do anything to help but sit there quietly.

They’re older now, though. Their ragged edges have smoothed out a little.

When he was younger, Youou thought he would always be angry. The world would always be blood red and sharp and unbearable, and he would always have to attack first to keep himself safe from harm. He never thought he would have peace, because peace wasn’t something that could exist for him ever again after he found his parents’ bodies in the living room.

But it’s been ten years since then. He has a Bachelor’s in psychology and a Master’s in progress. He has a dog that he takes with him jogging every day that curls up at the foot of his bed every night. He has his cousin, who’s always believed the best in him and has always offered gentle support. He has his aunt, who never gave up on the traumatized, raging teenage boy she suddenly had custody of and kept him on the right track.

He has Yuui, who is singing quietly to himself in the passenger seat, and who is doing good too.

Youou can’t help the little smile that grows on his face. He’s become a complete sap.

Yuui, of course, chooses that moment to glance over at him. “Oh! Do you like this song?”

“Uh.” He hasn’t been listening that closely. It sounds fine. “Sure.”

“I’ll put it on your playlist,” Yuui says, tapping at his phone.

“Mm. Thanks.”

They get off the freeway and wind through the surface streets, Yuui now playing snippets of songs he thinks Youou might like and asking his thoughts. Most of them get “it’s fine,” although there’s one that gets a flat no and another that he actually asks the name of.

As always, they eventually pull up in front of Yuui’s place. “Thanks for the ride, as always,” Yuui says, unplugging his phone from the aux. “And... thanks for the other day.”

“No problem,” Youou says, because it’s the truth.

“I mean it,” Yuui says, turning to look at him. “I know it can’t be fun to get my snot all over you.”

“You didn’t get any snot on me,” Youou rolls his eyes, and Yuui chuckles. “And I mean it too. Whenever you need me, I’m…” He falters for a half a second, because it’s hard enough to be sappy in his own brain, much less out loud. And especially with Yuui’s eyes fixed on him. “... I’m always... here for you.”

It sounds so clumsy and stilted. Youou desperately wants to cover his face with a hand out of embarrassment, but Yuui is still looking at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly parted. His hair is getting longer. Youou remembers a week or two ago when Yuui said that he was planning on growing it out. It looks soft.

Yuui smiles, one of those smiles that crumples up his face with the strength of it. “Well. I - I appreciate it, big guy. And… I know.”

They stare at each other for another stupid moment, and then Yuui’s phone buzzes.

Yuui jumps. “Oh! Oh, it’s - it’s an email from my adviser. Hahaha. Well. I’ve got some stuff to do before classes tomorrow, so…” He hoists his bag into his lap, unbuckles his seatbelt, opens the door and hops out.

“Yeah,” Youou says, because it makes sense for him to say that, he’s pretty sure. “I’ll see you later.”

Yuui turns around, and faces Youou, still sitting there in the driver’s seat. “Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be heading up now.”

Then Yuui hesitates. And then he leans forward, and leans forward a little more, and his eyes are so close and so deep, and Youou can’t help but hold his breath because -

And then Yuui pulls back, cheeks flushing. Both of them are wide-eyed, and a stray stupid thought of  _ so this is the kind of stuff I missed by skipping out on prom in high school _ runs through his head.

“See you Friday!!” Yuui squeaks out all in a rush. Youou sits there like an idiot, stunned way more than he probably should be -  _ but did Yuui just almost - _ and isn’t shaken out of it until he hears the clattering of Yuui trying to open up the backseat door to get his -- “My crockpot,” Yuui says weakly, and Youou fumbles for the switch to unlock the back doors with suddenly clumsy hands.

Yuui snatches it up, shoves the backseat door closed, and says, “I’ll text you details! Thanks for the ride, bye!!”

“Bye,” Youou says dumbly, but Yuui is already halfway up the stairs.

He always waits for Yuui to get inside safe, but this time he’s helpless to do anything but, and he sits there for another moment more.

He takes a deep breath. Another. Another.

* * *

Fai had thought these sects had gone out of fashion decades ago, but apparently not in this corner of the continent.

Him and Kurogane don’t know where Sakura and Syaoran are, but they’re sitting pretty in this warrior’s temple with polite accommodations and huge bottles of wine courtesy of the head priest. Kurogane had been convinced this was all a trap meant to lull them into a false sense of security in order to kill them in their sleep, but Fai hadn’t gotten any sense of scheming or plotting - the priest was simply the model of a charitable man of faith.

That faith coated the temple in a sparking, unignorable layer, skittering up and down Fai’s spine at random intervals. It was a constant reminder of how magically potent this place was in a not-quite-but-just-enough way. It was making him itch inside his own skin. He desperately wanted something to funnel the energy collating in his bones into, but the paranoid temple guards had confiscated his bow  _ and _ his new darts. So all he could do was drink more wine.

Luckily, he’d always held his drink well.

“Why did you freak out about that statue?” Kurogane said.

“Which statue? There’s a lot of statues at this temple,” Fai replied. So it was question time. He took another gulp.

Kurogane rolled his eyes. “You know which statue I mean. The one in the main courtyard, with the phoenix and the dragon.”

“Ah, yes, that one,” Fai hummed. “I have to confess, I’ve never heard that ‘a celestial dragon and phoenix locked in eternal combat, if one dies the universe dies, if the dragon wins then we all go on to a beautiful rapturous heaven, blah blah blah’ tale before. Very novel.”

Kurogane snorted. “You better hope none of them are eavesdropping.”

Fai tuned his ears to the nearby area. The nearest living things were a couple rooms away, talking between themselves about… laundry, maybe? “I think we’re fine. And if one of those pious guards  _ do _ hear me spouting blasphemy, then I’ll blame it on their excellent wine.”

“Tch,” Kurogane said, but he took another drink himself. “Answer my question. You got something against phoenixes?”

Kurogane’s hand twitched at his hip, where his sword usually hung.

“I have no strong feelings,” Fai confessed. That was true. Some people he’d known - well, they didn’t matter. “Cycle of life and all that. Big flaming bird. Not something I care a lot about, compared to other things.”

Kurogane grunted, took a drink, then fell into silence.

Fai sighed. He’d regret this, he knew he would, but he was so curious. “Do  _ you _ have something against phoenixes?”

“What?  _ No,” _ Kurogane snarled. Fai startled back a little, surprised at his fervor. Kurogane sheepishly (well, as sheepishly as Kurogane can get) relaxed, and continued, “No. The opposite.”

He paused. Fai made a  _ go on _ gesture. He sighed, and then added, “They’re… my family’s guardian spirit. That’s the legend, at least.”

Fai couldn’t help himself. “Ahh, so  _ that’s _ why your sword has a rooster on it!”

_ “It’s not a rooster!” _ Kurogane yelled, as expected, and Fai cackled in delight at how red his face was. “You asshole. Why are you so damn sacrilegious today?! You better not be saying this shit to Sakura!”

“Don’t you worry, Kuro, I’m very respectful of Sakura’s connection with her god,” Fai said. “Her god loves her a lot and she loves him too. It’s very sweet. I just think the whole… magical creature worship thing is a bit silly. They’re not gods, they’re just… large sentient animals with some weird magic.”

Kurogane glared at him. “My family doesn’t think of phoenixes as gods. We know they’re magical birds. It’s just the family tradition.”

“I figured, I figured!” Fai soothed. “You’re smart and you know how the world works. You’re  _ so _ smart, Kurogane. The smartest person I know! Well, besides me. And Syaoran, with all his books. And Sakura’s pretty good with directions --”

“Oh, shut up,” Kurogane cut him off with an eye roll, and Fai laughed. Too much fun. “So you don’t care about phoenixes. Must be the dragon, then.”

Fai’s blood ran cold. “I thought I just said you were smart! Guess I was wrong,” he sighed playfully, hiding the shaking in his hands by taking another deep drink. The bottle ran empty. He grabbed another, and busied himself with uncorking it. “I feel the same way about dragons as I do phoenixes - absolutely nothing. I just don’t like these hyper-organized temples very much, that’s all there is to it.”

He could feel Kurogane looking at him with those bright red eyes. Not for the first time, he cursed every moment he’d let his own eyes linger on the man. He ran his mouth a bit more, because what else could he do. “In the village I grew up in, there was this temple about two miles walk away in the forest, and my mother and I would have to go there to give them offerings of bread and food every week or else the warrior priests would come to the village and take it by force! What fiends they were. My brother hated the walk every week but it was better than having those priests come bust down our door --”

“Mother.”

Fai stumbled to a halt, hands still fumbling with the cork. “Mother? Er--”

Kurogane stared at him intently. “You said your mother would walk with you. Then you switched it to brother.”

Fai - Fai didn’t - he -

“Doesn’t matter to me if it was your mother or your brother,” Kurogane grumbled, his eyes finally leaving Fai to grab another bottle for himself. “Just thought you should know it isn’t working.”

“What isn’t working,” Fai’s mouth asked dumbly. The rest of him still felt - frozen, petrified. Like a deer about to be eaten by a predator it can’t escape.

“The constant lying.” Kurogane’s gaze slammed into him once again, pinning him like a spear through the chest. “If you don’t want us to know about whatever it is you’re hiding, fine. That’s your business. As long as it doesn’t endanger the kids.”

That struck a nerve. “I would  _ never _ allow any harm to come to them,” he struck back.

“Good.” Kurogane took a deep drink. “Make sure that applies to yourself, too.”

Fai felt like - like  _ screaming _ at him  _ (you ask too much of me when you don’t know what I’ve done, stop insisting that I live,  _ you’re _ the selfish one for that)  _ but he managed to keep himself from boiling over. It wouldn’t do anything to help.

So, like always, he ran. “I just realized I’ve had  _ way _ too much to drink, so I’m going to bed,” he said brightly, even though it was obviously out of place. He’d already lost control of this conversation, what would one more flimsy attempt to look the blithe fool hurt? “Do you want to come with, big guy?”

Kurogane didn’t react with bluster or embarrassment or disgust or even interest. He didn’t react at all. He only stared at him with eyes that cut through every layer of protection Fai could possibly cover himself with.

Except, of course, for the skin he was in. But even that seemed flimsier than before.

He was still awake by the time Kurogane bedded down. He was awake for a long time that night.

* * *

“I still think it’s a cult,” Youou grouses, turning on the car.

“All those checks I rolled were super high!” Yuui argues back. “The place is clean. There’s something else going on independent of the temple - probably something to do with the village Sakura and Syaoran are in, wherever that is relative to the temple we’re stuck at.”

“The statues,” Youou points out. “Gotta be the statues. They’ve got demons inside them or something.”

“We had demons for the _ last _ mission,” Yuui says. “And I think Tomoyo put the statues there just to milk me for backstory juice.”

_ “Please _ do not talk about my baby cousin ‘milking’ you,” Youou groans. Yuui laughs maniacally.

“All milking aside, you pressed a lot of Fai’s buttons tonight!” Yuui says, rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain. “It was  _ very _ fun.”

Youou sighs. “Any chance of you telling me what those buttons _ mean _ besides ‘sad about dragons?’”

He fully expects the “Not on your life!” Yuui chirps back. “You got lucky with your perception check to see if he was lying.”

“It wasn’t exactly hard,” Youou replies drily. “You wouldn’t have just laid out your entire backstory unprovoked after you and Tomoyo spent the last three months dangling Fai’s secrets over our heads.”

“Very good and accurate deduction, Mr. Holmes.” Yuui lets out a huge yawn. “Ugh. I do not want to deal with all the shit I have to get done before all the other shit starts needing to get done all at once.”

“Amen, I think,” Youou replies, trying to not catch the yawn but failing. “Fuck this month.”

“Fuck this month.”

“Fuck the university.”

“Fuck the university!” Yuui crows, before yawning again. “I feel bad for having to take a break from the game for a month for school shit and then spring break after next week, but at least our avalanches of work lined up pretty well. We get to ignore each other in favor of deadlines at the same time! Woo!”

“Don’t ignore eating,” Youou says, driving.

“I am aghast!” Yuui replies, splaying a hand across his chest. “The accusation, when I made all of you a lovely chicken marinade to feast upon tonight!”

“Yeah, but you  _ like _ to cook for other people. Otherwise you don’t.”

“Very rich coming from Mr. Instant Coffee And A Poptart For Dinner himself!”

“That was  _ junior year. _ Also: pot, kettle.”

“You’re a ravishing shade of matte obsidian tonight, Mr. Pot.”

“Just - make sure you stock up on instant food.”

“Alright, I’ll buy out the grocery store’s entire shelf of cup ramen before you can get any so you are  _ truly  _ Mr. Poptart.”

_ “Yuui. _ I mean it. I worry about you enough, and I won’t have time to check up on you.”

The mood of the car drops like a rock. Yuui leans against the window. Youou turns onto the onramp.

Ah, shit. That was probably too much.

He sighs, and tries to save it. “Sorry. You know I know you’re an adult and I... trust you to do what’s best for you. I know I can. Hover.”

“Yes, I do know all that,” Yuui accedes.

There is a very long, heavy silence. Youou lets himself sit in it.

The road hums underneath the tires. Lights smear past.

“Can I… say something?”

And there it is. “Yeah. Go ahead.”

Yuui lets out a quick breath. Youou pointedly doesn’t look at him - he knows Yuui only feels comfortable saying this because they’re fixed facing front, eyes on the road.

“I’m - sorry, give me a moment. Haha! Sorry.” Another shaky exhale.

Youou waits. He wishes Yuui wouldn’t apologize so much, but they’ve had that conversation enough times for Youou to know it’s something too ingrained to fix with a conversation. 

Another false start. And then - “I’m sorry about… all this,” he says softly, breath fogging up against the window.

“Sorry about what?”

“About… having made you wait. When you’re so good to me.”

Youou’s heart rate picks up. He puts that aside. “You’re not ‘making’ me do anything. And I’m not waiting for anything either. I’m just here.”

A pause, and then, quietly, “If you were anyone else I wouldn’t have to believe that.”

“Tough luck, because I’m me.”

A huff of laughter. “Can’t argue that.”

A longer pause, then Youou needs to say, “Look, Yuui, I don’t --”

“I hope you don’t think I’m testing you or leading you on,” Yuui interrupts, all in a rush. “I’m not. I promise I’m not. I haven’t been. It’s - god, sorry for saying this, I know I’ve said it before - it’s me, not you. None of this is your fault. It’s all just me and my  _ stupid _ issues. I know you’re good. I know. I’m sorry. This isn’t fair to you at all.”

Youou doesn’t quite know what to say. He wishes his hands were free so he could rest one on Yuui’s shoulder, give solid tangible physical proof that he is there with Yuui, that he is near him willingly, that he cares. But he has to keep them on the steering wheel so the car continues down the highway, its cargo safe inside.

He squeezes his hands around the wheel.

“Please - please say something, Youou.”

“I’m - thinking.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

Another pause. Familiar billboards flicker by. They’re a couple exits away.

Finally, he exhales. “I told you back then. It’s still true now. I just... want you in my life. However we define that relationship, whatever other stuff we do - I want you in my life. I want to see you be happy and healthy and doing okay. Unless you don’t want me in your life, in which case you’re an adult and you’re free to tell me to piss off.”

“No, I - I want you in my life.”

“That’s good to hear,” he says with a slight, dry chuckle, “I figured. Just… wanted to include that. I guess my point is… even if you never feel comfortable with being in a - in a  _ romantic relationship _ \--” (he feels kind of silly, and he tries not to let how much he thinks about having that with Yuui bleed into his words, but he plows through) “-- I’ll still be around. That’s how it’s always been.”

“I know.” Yuui’s hush is his honesty. “Or, well - I’ve known for a long time now.”

“Good.”

They’re silent for a short while, and then Youou takes the exit to Yuui’s. This makes Yuui shuffle around a bit, and then he says, as they pass the pet hospital, “Is there anything you want me to cook for next week?”

“Anything that’s not too sweet.”

“Oh, you’ve gotta give me more than that.”

“Something with beef.”

“Well, that’s something. Let me check my Pinterest really quick.” Youou sees the light from his phone screen out of the corner of his eye. They’re getting close, so he drives a little bit slower to give Yuui a bit more time for everything to load.

“Okay, okay - hm… okay, would you rather have stroganoff, hamburger casserole, or, uh, ‘Debby’s Blue Ribbon Chili’?”

“Who the hell is Debby?”

“Probably a very nice lady with a recipe blog. Although, I don’t think I’ve ever met a nice Debby.”

“Hm.”

“So that’s a mark against the chili.”

“If you want.”

“Oh, did you want some of Debby’s chili, big guy?”

Youou has parked the car. They’re parked in front of Yuui’s apartment now, sitting there companionably. The only light is the dim orange glow of the streetlight two cars away, the weak porch lights of the row of apartments above them, and the screen of Yuui’s phone. It pours over his face in a harsh beam. He’s biting his lip and staring at his phone. His knee is bouncing up and down.

Youou wishes shaking him and shouting  _ don’t worry about it, just exist, I’m not angry or frustrated or whatever you think you have to fix, it’s okay _ would do anything productive for Yuui.

Instead, he says, “Sure. Make the chili.”

“Oh, you think I shouldn’t smear Debby’s character before we know if her chili tastes bad or not? I see. You’re a man of great fairness, as always.”

“A blue ribbon chili sounds like a good send-off dinner before you deprive the kids of your cooking for a month.”

Yuui nods. “Good point! Chili it is, then.” He starts gathering all his things into his bag and unbuckles his seatbelt with darting movements. Youou unlocks the car. They exchange quick goodbyes, and Yuui heads up to his apartment. Youou waits to make sure he gets in safe.

At his door, Yuui turns around for a moment and stares at Youou’s car.

Youou stares back.

Yuui slips inside.

* * *

“I’m surprised Yuuko doesn’t want us to steal her one of these pegasi! They’re just  _ darling.” _

Fai watched Sakura and Syaoran ride their rented mounts through the air as he braided a plait into the mane of his own. Sakura whooped as she did a sharp turn, and Syaoran’s pleas for caution echoed down to the ground. Even from this distance, he could see the grins of joy on their faces, and he couldn’t help but match them with one of his own.

“Yeah, these wouldn’t be too bad to keep,” Kurogane replied, an arm slung over the neck of his pegasus, Amaterasu. “But we need that prize.”

“You’d think she’d have enough magic of her own to not need an arcane battery,” Fai carefully commented, fixing his eyes on the mane in his hands.

“I was thinking about that too. None of the shit she sends us out to get seems really useful for someone of her strength.”

“Witches work in mysterious ways.”

Kurogane grunted. “I’d prefer if we weren’t part of that work.”

Fai gasped theatrically. “Kuro! You aren’t suggesting breaking a witch’s contract?”

“I’m not an idiot,” Kurogane snapped. “I just don’t like being jerked around. But the pay is decent enough.”

“And Sakura and Syaoran seem to be having fun.”

“And you care about  _ that _ more than the pay.”

Fai froze for half a second. Kurogane increasingly made him do that. It was irritating and terrifying, but at the same time… exhilarating to be seen through. It was the last thing he should enjoy, but he was well-acquainted with terror, and  _ this _ was distinct from any he’d felt before.

He recovered quickly. “I think  _ you’re _ the big softy here, Kuro. The kids are very sweet, but a contract is a contract. That’s why I’m here.”

Kurogane rolled his eyes. “‘Contracts’ don’t make you buy pink ribbons for Sakura’s pegasus’ mane.”

Enough of this. “No,  _ manners _ do, and I would thank you to learn some.” Fai turned away from him --feeling a bit like a child having a tantrum but unwilling to do anything about it-- and led his mare across the paddock to the water trough. Freya was a sweet girl, a bit skinny but very agile. Fai and Kurogane’s salaries from their time in the army (despite being centuries out of date) were enough to lease their party some fairly talented pegasi for the upcoming aerial race. Now they had to train.

As Freya drank, Fai straightened out the feathers in her wings to give his hands something to do. His mind was always too quick, though, and having busywork didn’t keep his thoughts from churning.

As much as he might hate it, Kurogane was right. He did care about their monk and cleric, more than someone like him ought to. He wasn’t safe. He would never be safe to be around by his nature - and if not by his nature, then what was coming for him the moment he let down his guard.

He could charm every villager they met into giving them information, he could hit adversaries with his arrows, he could help keep Sakura’s spirits up. But he could not keep true danger away from them forever.

The witch had known what he was. Why had she offered him the job he couldn’t refuse? Why had she endangered the others with his presence?

He had grown fond of the others to the point where he couldn’t bear to imagine the imminent threat bearing down on their heads. But he was still too much of a coward to do the right thing and desert them. He was a coward, and he was selfish, and Kurogane was right not to trust him. He was absolutely right, and try as he might to not care, that’s what hurt Fai the most.

Freya made a chewing sound, and Fai looked up from where his hands had stilled at her side.

Kurogane was standing there, feeding Freya a carrot from his flat palm, Amaterasu at his side and nosing at his shoulder for a carrot of her own.

“She was looking hungry,” Kurogane said, a little awkwardly. He pushed Amaterasu’s head away with a  _ you already had one,  _ and scratched Freya behind the ears with his big, scarred hand, firm but gentle.

Sakura and Syaoran made running landings in the field behind them, hooting and hollering in exhilaration, their pegasi running in circles to wind down.

It all took his breath away.

So he was damned. He knew that. But he couldn’t let any harm come to these people.

* * *

  
  


Yuui had arrived at tonight’s session with a dish full of quiche and his hair loose around his shoulders. The quiche was devoured while it was still warm, and Yuui had tied his hair back with a simple ponytail when they’d started playing. Standard enough. Yuui’s quest to grow it out is going well - he’d talked the other week about the brand of conditioner he was using that made it softer and thicker, or something. Youou doesn’t really remember the details (he’s more of a 2-in-1 shampoo guy; Tomoyo still despairs over never being able to dissuade him against its efficiency) but he does know that Yuui’s hair has been looking… good, lately.

So what if a part of his brain can’t shut up about wanting to see exactly how soft it is. He doesn’t have to listen to that part of his brain.

Anyway.  _ Anyway. _ Yuui had looked fairly normal for most of the night. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then Yuui and Tsubasa were left to their own devices while Tomoyo was GMing to Youou and Chibang specifically, and Tsubasa had wanted something to do with her hands.

That’s what led to Yuui sitting in the passenger seat, chattering about a cat account he follows on Instagram, his hair coiled up in two ridiculous buns on top of his head, decorated with cutesy hair clips.

It was stupid. Youou  _ should not _ be this distracted. He’s still driving safely, still checking his mirrors regularly and following traffic laws and going the speed limit, but he can’t stop glancing over at Yuui.

Tonight he also wore dangling beaded earrings. Youou remembers two years back, when Yuui had gotten his ears pierced.  _ This would make my dad so mad if he knew, _ he’d chuckled nervously at the piercing place.

Youou had said,  _ Well fuck him. They’re your ears and you want ‘em with little holes in ‘em. _

_ Does it hurt? _ Yuui had asked tentatively.

_ Nah,  _ Youou had said. He’d gotten his ears pierced when he was 17, at the same time as Tomoyo.  _ It’s real quick. _

Youou had held Yuui’s hand when the deed was done. He didn’t mind the near bone-breaking squeeze Yuui had given him for each ear. He remembers feeling this strange pride and happiness well up in him - Yuui had  _ asked him _ to come along for support. Yuui was relying on  _ his presence _ dealing with the piercings. He felt strong and good, and glad that Yuui was reaching out to him for help. 

The beaded earrings were bought a couple weeks after that at the farmer’s market.  _ You know you can’t take out your studs for a while yet,  _ Youou had said.

Yuui had replied,  _ I’m well aware, you big mother hen, I read the pamphlets the piercer gave me! I’m just preparing for when I  _ can.  _ Now hold my radishes while I decide if I should get the blue ones or the purple ones. _

The purple ones are glittering in the streetlights. Youou does his best to keep the corner of his eye from catching on them, and from there tracing back up to those damn buns.

It’s normal to look at your friend. Everybody looks at their friends when they’re in the same space. That’s how normal social interaction works. Youou is absolutely allowed to look at Yuui, because people look at other people, and people look at their friends.

The problem, as always, is how much he wants to look at Yuui.

Yuui has always drawn his eye, even when they first met sophomore year and Youou was mostly just irritated with his flippancy and tendency to interact with others by teasing them, and Yuui enjoyed getting attention that seemed to confirm the worst of his thoughts about himself (Youou understood that now with the benefit of hindsight, but at 19 all he could do was play right into Yuui’s self-loathing expectations). They ran in the same circles and couldn’t seem to avoid each other no matter how hard Youou tried. Eventually, it stopped seeming like bad luck and more like magnetism. They started getting along a bit better, Yuui’s teasing less deliberately grating and Youou’s reactions more sportive. They came to consider each other friends.

Their junior year, Youou realized he wanted more. He’d asked Yuui out. The date had gone well - just coffee at a little place downtown. He’d walked Yuui to the bus stop and Yuui had let him kiss him on the cheek.

And then Yuui ghosted him for a week.

Eventually, Youou ran into Yuui in the library, and asked what the  _ fuck _ was going on.

They ended up having a long talk. Both of them realized that each other’s respective traumas ran way deeper under their surfaces than they’d thought - Yuui’s especially, who seemingly did not have the benefit of a supportive aunt who kept him in therapy.

_ My - my dad isn’t big on meds or therapists,  _ Yuui had said, fiddling with his hair and looking out the window.  _ I’ve only just been able to get some for myself. I’m kinda realizing I’m really fucked up. _

_ That’s okay,  _ Youou had replied.  _ I am too. _ He’d almost confessed that he’d had a therapist since he was 14, but he hadn’t told anybody outside of his family that yet, and the words stuck in his throat.

_ No, like - I’m  _ really _ fucked up. _ Yuui had said it so seriously. Then he’d relaxed a little.  _ Sorry. I shouldn’t have accepted the date, but I really wanted to, so I... did the selfish thing. _

_ How is accepting a date  _ selfish?

Yuui had shaken his head, looking utterly miserable.  _ I know I’m not in a place for a relationship right now. Or in the foreseeable future. Maybe ever. I’ve tried before, but I just fuck it all up because of all the shit that’s wrong with me, and I don’t wanna do that to you. I’m sorry for leading you on. And for ghosting you. You… you don’t have to forgive me. _

He’d looked so small, curled in on himself, waiting to be despised.

Youou’s anger, his oldest friend, had been silent. In its place was the desire to protect.

He was still young then, so he’d gruffly said,  _ Don’t worry about it. It’s… it’s fine. Thanks for telling me all this.  _ And then he’d leaned over and clumsily clapped a hand on Yuui’s shoulder.

Yuui had looked at the hand with absolute bewilderment.  _ You mean you’re… not mad. _

_ Well I mean I’m not happy you ghosted me,  _ Youou had huffed.  _ Don’t do that again. But yeah. It’s fine. We can go back to normal. _

_ We… can still be friends? _ Yuui had looked so disbelievingly delighted, a tiny smile blooming on his face, and Youou had felt so proud of himself for putting it there.

_ Yeah. Of course. I promise. _

He’d promised Yuui those four years ago that he wouldn’t pursue him like that, that he’d stay content with friendship and not push him into anything he wasn’t ready for - that they could remain close without the “payoff” of a romantic relationship. Youou has kept that promise as best he can. He thinks he’s done a good job, even during Yuui’s bad times and his own. He’s even dated a couple other people in the meantime, but those never lasted long.

Their bond has grown comfortable and necessary as they’ve gotten older and more mature, as all their other friends have graduated and scattered to the winds, distance revealing the flimsiness of those relationships. The two of them were accepted to the same school for their grad programs, and Youou remembers Yuui’s excitement at realizing they’d get to stay together, how he’d hopped around Youou’s old apartment in sheer joy, making Ginryuu bark and yip and dance around at his feet until the downstairs neighbors had thumped on the ceiling to get them to pipe down, sending the two of them dissolving into laughter.

They’re best friends. Yuui is the only person outside of his family and his therapist Youou is comfortable being emotional around, and he knows that he’s listed as Yuui’s emergency contact on all his forms. He doesn’t want to do anything to break his trust or make him feel uncomfortable, because he has that responsibility now.

But sometimes he can’t stop himself from looking at Yuui and  _ wanting. _

He’s not gonna feel guilty about it, because he’s doing his damnedest to make sure Yuui doesn’t notice, or, if he does, think anything of it. He can put those feelings aside, because Yuui is already a guarantee in his life. If anything else happens, it will; if it doesn’t, then it won’t. Youou’s made his peace with it.

Every so often, though, he’ll see Yuui’s smiling cheeks and remember kissing them.

Next to him, Yuui’s playing another cat video, royalty-free background music chirping from his phone’s speaker. “I’m  _ absolutely _ sending you this one,” he gushes. “It’s about a big dog and a little kitten who love to swim in the pool together. The kitten rides on the dog’s head! And they’re both rescues. It’s  _ precious.” _

“You send me thirty cat videos a week,” Youou says.

“And they all deserve a watch,” Yuui replies primly. “I pick out the best ones for you! The cream of the crop. Imagine how many I’m  _ not _ sending you.”

“I’ve been on the internet. I know there’s infinite cat videos.”

Yuui laughs and settles down, looking back at his phone.

Youou sneaks another look - a lock of hair is falling down the side of his face. It’s got a slight curl to it - Youou realizes it’s probably from being tucked behind his ear.

Then Yuui’s eyes meet his, and Youou realizes he got caught. He fixes his eyes front. Changes lanes for no damn reason. Shit.

“... Do you like it?”

Yuui’s voice is… tentative. Youou risks a glance back over at him - he’s fiddling with his earring and staring pointedly forward.

Youou has no idea what he’s talking about. “Do I like what.”

“The…” Yuui waves his hand near the top of his head. “The hairstyle Tsubasa gave me. Or does it look silly?”

Sometimes, Youou is sure Yuui can read his mind. He fumbles for an answer that people give their friends who they look at a normal amount. “The buns look silly, yeah, but you pull them off.”

“Oh good,” Yuui says with a sigh. When Youou glances over again, he’s twisting his hands together in his lap. “I’m glad you think so. I’ve been wanting to experiment with my hair, and Tsubasa taught me how to do these.”

Despite himself (maybe because of that night a while back, when Yuui had almost maybe…) Youou is seized with a sudden boldness. “You could do whatever hairstyle you want. It’d look - really good.” Immediately after he says it, he realizes he feels stupid as fuck.

“Oh,” Yuui says all quiet, sounding... pleased? Youou hopes so. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Youou manages.

They fall into a silence with a weird vibe that Youou can’t read but is pretty sure isn’t disastrous. It persists as they take their exit, as they drive past all the familiar landmarks, as they pull up in front of Yuui’s apartment.

He turns the car off and unlocks the front (and back) doors.

They sit there in silence for a moment.

This is unbearable. He forces himself to say, “We’re here.”

“So we are!” Yuui replies. He takes a deep breath. “Thank you for the ride, big guy.”

“No problem,” Youou says. That was definitely the normal thing to say. Easy.

Yuui takes another deep breath, and squares his shoulders. Then he leans over the center console, and rests a hand against his bicep. There’s a smile on his face. “Hey, here’s a - oh wow, I always forget how strong you are,” he comments, and then he’s  _ squeezing _ Youou’s bicep. Youou can’t get himself to respond before he continues, “Anyway, here’s a present for you. Gas money or something.” And then he reaches up with his other hand and puts something in Youou’s hair.

“I don’t charge you gas money,” Youou says, because that is a fact he knows.

Yuui hums, unbothered, as he gathers his things, and then he’s hopping out the door and grabbing the dish the quiche was in. “See you next Sunday!” he trills, and then he’s closing the car doors and scampering up the stairs. Youou watches, because that’s what he does.

When he opens his front door, he - he turns around and he  _ blows a kiss. _

He can faintly hear Yuui laughing as he darts inside.

Youou sits there, stunned.

Well, shit.

There’s no way Yuui doesn’t know what he’s doing. There’s no way Yuui would be pulling shit like this just as a joke. Not after that discussion two months ago. There’s no way.

This is… intentional. That’s the only thing that makes sense, considering all the evidence. Now he just has to let himself get his hopes up after four years of repressing those feelings. Cool.

He absently reaches up to his hair.

The hair clip has a little plastic cat on it.

* * *

Why, why,  _ why _ had the witch ordered them to steal from the capital city library - she must have known about the magical defenses - was this all a trap - they had the book she wanted, but the guards were closing in, there was a sorcerous cage made of glittering gold energy encasing them and none of their magical items are working - Sakura’s spells were bouncing off with no effect - Kurogane’s sword couldn’t slash through - Syaoran’s fists were battering futilely against the walls - Fai’s bow was useless - he couldn’t do anything to help -

He heard Sakura cry out as one of her spells rebounded, and Syaoran yelped in pain as the magic shocked him in retaliation. And even Kurogane, brave, stalwart, unstoppable Kurogane - his phoenix sword shining - his eyes were wide with terror as he watched everything go to hell around them -

Fai didn’t know what to do. They were surrounded, and his companions were so small, and  _ he  _ was so small. His bow, these stupid arrows, they were worth nothing - why did he even  _ have them  _ if they couldn’t  _ protect his people - _

The guards were advancing, the captain at the front - the crime for stealing from the library was death - no - they couldn’t - don’t hurt them, don’t hurt them - he wanted more time with them - he’s selfish, he wants them around him, he doesn’t want them taken from him, he  _ covets - _

Blue flames erupted from his mouth and melted the cage, and it was  _ glorious. _ He distantly heard his companions’ shouts of alarm, but they’re secondary to the drum of  _ freedom safety collect keep safe  _ pounding in his mind. Every muscle in his body relaxed at once after  _ months _ of confinement - his blood was hot and vital in his veins - he heard the sudden terror in the hearts of the guards, heard their shouts of shock and he couldn’t help but grin wide and  _ laugh. _

His companions were so small now. He stretched out his wings for the first time in months. The last time he took this form was -

_ Their mountain cleaved in half. Swiftly silenced screams from the valley villages. The treeline reduced to flat barren earth. The thin skin of his wings singed through. His throat burnt to ruin. His twin melted and lost in the boiling liquid stone that had flooded their den. His father howling in the heart of the mountain, trapped by rubble and lava, telling him that he’d get out, that he’d find the scent of his smoke, that there was nowhere to hide - all his fault, all his curiosity and his desperation - he’d caused this - _

He looked down, and there’s a wide, vicious, incredible grin ripping its way across Kurogane’s face. “You’re a  _ dragon?!” _ Kurogane roared in sheer joy.

Something about the glee on Kurogane’s face scattered those thoughts - he has his people to save, he has to put away thoughts of the mountain for now - Sakura and Syaoran and Kurogane are small and fragile and he’s the only one who can help them - so he tossed his head proudly, his sky blue scales glittering in the sunlight. Then he jerked his chin up -  _ get on my back. _

He couldn’t speak in human tongues in this form, not with his throat still damaged from what had happened and after using his breath to melt the cage. But Kurogane understood, as he tended to. Fai knelt, and Kurogane helped Sakura and Syaoran climb onto his back and then did so himself.

Fai exhaled another spout of flames to clear the way, sending those damn guards scattering away. Then he stood - lifted his wings - and beat them once, twice, creating gusts of air that cleared the area around them. He heard Sakura shriek in delight, Syaoran shouted in amazement, and Kurogane let out a feral laugh.

They lifted off.

* * *

As they leave Tomoyo’s house, Youou can’t help but ask, “How is Fai being a  _ dragon _ not horribly OP?”

“Well, he still won’t use magic in his elf form, first thing.”

“And that is because…?”

“Backstory!” Yuui smiles smugly, sauntering toward the car.

“You mean being a _ fucking dragon _ isn’t your big backstory secret?”

“I’ve got oodles of secrets that you will very slowly learn, big guy. Spoiler alert: Fai is going to be absolutely miserable next session over this.”

“Great.”

He keeps talking while storing his dish in the backseat and while buckling his seatbelt. “And anyway, he can’t fly for too long because his wings are injured, and he can’t talk in that form. He also has limited uses of his flame breath before he starts taking damage. No, I won’t say why. And the whole thing tires him out like crazy - he’s gonna be kind of useless when we find a safe place to land. It’s a glass cannon situation, y’know?”

As Youou maneuvers out of the rat maze parking lot (he’s gotten really good at it), Yuui describes this all lovingly - it’s obvious he’s been holding this in for months, so eager to share when the big reveal finally happens. Youou can’t help but let his smile infect him. He asks a couple questions that generally get some information on the mechanics of the secret dragon shape, and some more big helpings of  _ that’s still secret! _

“But it’s a pretty damn cool reveal, right?” Yuui finally says, his eyes glinting.

“... yeah, it’s pretty damn cool,” Youou agrees, unable to help but smile. “You bastard, how the hell did you hide that for the last five months?”

“Tomoyo was a big help, obviously. I told her I wanted to do something like this and we had this huge conversation in our DMs and she made it work so well!”

“You’re really good at roleplaying, you know.”

“Oh  _ stop _ it, big guy, you’re making me blush,” Yuui laughs, but his cheeks actually flush a little with the compliment. “Everyone’s been doing such a great job. It feels like we’re all super invested in it so it’s easier to get really into character. It’s such a positive space.”

Youou nods. He gets what Yuui’s saying - he’s never had a tabletop group like this before, where character work was so heavily valued over combat.

“I know I’ve said this like a billion times since we started, but thanks again for inviting me to this game,” Yuui says. “I knew it’d be fun, but not _ this _ fun.”

“‘Course. I wouldn’t be having as good a time with just the undergrads, anyway.”

“Oh stop it, they’re darling.” They merge onto the freeway. “Ugh, I’m gonna miss them when summer rolls around.”

Youou ventures, “Tomoyo said she wanted to try playing online.”

As expected, Yuui brightens like a lightbulb. “Really? I’d  _ love _ that. Hopefully she figures out how to make it work!”

“She’s got some ideas. Tsubasa is working at a summer camp for all of July so it’s probably gonna be during August.”

“I’ll pencil that vague idea into my planner. August: be a dragon wizard again.” Yuui pantomimes writing, and then shifts in his seat. “You’re staying in town over summer, though, right?”

“Yeah. I got a research position with the department. I might go visit Tomoyo and my aunt once or twice, but --” hopefully this goes over well “-- you’re welcome to come with. If you want. Tomoyo already likes you and my aunt is cool.”

“Oh? You wanna bring me home to your family?” Yuui teases, but there’s a small smile on his face. “Well, if you insist…”

Youou can’t help his face heating up. “Do whatever you want. The option’s open, is all I’m saying.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” From the corner of his eye, Youou can see Yuui’s smile grow into a peaceful one.

Yuui puts on a bit of music and asks Youou about what he’s working on right now. They talk casually for the ride home, discussing peers and students and professors and research rabbit-holes as they drive down the freeway, past the pet hospital and the Mexican place and the realtor’s office.

Youou is finishing up a story about an astoundingly idiotic discussion group he had to lead last week as they pull up in front of Yuui’s apartment. Yuui is sitting in the apartment seat, listening and laughing at appropriate parts. Eventually, though, the story ends, and they sit in silence for a moment.

Then Yuui leans over and puts a hand on his arm and says, “Do you wanna come up?”

Youou knows he’s got an early class tomorrow. But he doesn’t have any demanding deadlines tonight, and Yuui is looking at him steadily, purposefully. Youou trusts his gut and says, “Sure.”

Yuui gets his casserole dish from the backseat, Youou locks the car, and they climb up the stairs together. One of Yuui’s neighbors down at the end of the row is leaving her apartment with her dog on a leash, and she and Yuui greet each other by name. Yuui also greets the dog.

As he unlocks the door to his place he says, “You know, I’ve always appreciated how you stick around to make sure I get in okay.”

“Yeah, well.” Youou shifts his weight. “Trauma.”

“I figured,” Yuui says with a gentle chuckle. He looks up at him. “It makes me feel safe.”

He opens the door and steps inside. After half a moment, Youou follows him in.

Youou hasn’t been over to Yuui’s tiny apartment for a while due to their busy schedules, but besides a couple of the framed prints on the wall, everything still looks the same. There’s the ugly couch that takes up most of one wall, the vase with dollar store fake flowers on the dining table (those are different, but Youou knows Yuui changes those every month), the paper bag with the recycling by the door. There’s a stack of dirty dishes soaking in the sink - Yuui must have used those to cook the mac and cheese.

The two of them take off their shoes. “Have a seat wherever,” Yuui says. “You want some tea?”

“Sure,” Youou says, looking around. The table and its chairs are covered in notepads and reference books and general academic detritus, so he sits down on the couch. “Do you have anything that isn’t liquid sugar?”

“Yes, yes, simple green tea for your delicate palate.” Yuui’s in the kitchen. Youou can see him behind the counter filling the electric kettle with water. “Chii! Come say hello to your papa!!”

The fluffy tan blob herself trots in from the bedroom and winds around Youou’s ankles, letting out her high-pitched meow. She nudges at Youou’s shins and meows again, plaintively.

“She wants you to pick her up,” Yuui calls. “Don’t leave my baby hanging!”

Youou sighs, and bends to gather Chii in his arms. He holds her against his chest and she starts purring like a motor, cuddling in close and blinking and getting her hair all over his shirt. He can live with that.

“Do you think Chii and Ginryuu would get along if we introduced them?” Yuui asks. Youou hears the heavy flick of the electric kettle being turned on. “Chii never minds when I come home covered in Gingin’s fur, she cuddles on up just as normal.”

Youou thinks for a second, scratching absently behind Chii’s ear. “Ginryuu’s never reacted badly when I have cat hair on me.”

“Good to know,” Yuui hums. He putters around the kitchen a bit more, washing a couple of the dishes before the water boils enough. Youou offers to help, but Yuui orders him to stay on the couch and keep petting Chii.

Eventually, he brings over two mugs of tea, and hands the one with a poorly painted dalmatian on it to Youou. “Your beverage, sir.” He sits down next to him.

Their hips are a couple inches apart. This couch is too damn small.

“Thanks.” It’s still steeping, so he balances it on his knee with one hand, the other occupied with spoiling Chii, who is puddled in his lap and still purring up a storm.

They sit there quietly for a moment, the only sound being the cat and the  _ tink, tink _ of Yuui stirring his tea.

Then Yuui says, “Did you know, one of our friends from undergrad messaged me the other day asking if we were engaged yet?”

Youou is extremely glad he hasn’t taken a drink of his tea yet because there’s a very high chance he would have spat it out. As it is, he just goes rigid.

Yuui is looking down at his tea. The spoon goes  _ tink, tink. _ He continues. “I didn’t know what to say. I know we get a lot of people assuming we’re together. And of course I was about to reply ‘no, we’re not together, we’re just friends,’ but then I -- ”

He stops. He’s holding the mug of tea so tightly his knuckles are white.

Youou nudges him gently.

He takes a shuddering breath, and continues, “ -- then I was just… overcome with thinking about if we were, actually, engaged like she thought.” He takes a deep shuddering breath. “And… and imagining that made me really happy. So unbelievably happy.

“I’ve spent a lot of my life terrified of being close to other people. I never thought I’d be able to get married - even besides the whole homophobic dad thing.” He lets out a small laugh, and sets his tea on the floor. “I thought I would just… ruin somebody’s life. And I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want someone to get too attached to me and then realize years later that their life had become doomed.

“I thought that not being with you would keep you safe. I thought if we just stayed friends, you could eventually find somebody else and be able to be happy with them, and it’d be okay. I’d learn to be okay with it.” He shakes his head. “That’s what I kept telling myself when you dated other people. Ha! I tried so hard to convince myself not to be miserable, to be happy for you, but it never worked. Isn’t that awful of me?” He buries his face in his hands.

Youou draws a breath to steady himself, and finds that it shakes on its way in. “For what it’s worth,” he says, “I broke up with them because it wasn’t fair to them.”

Yuui looks up. “What do you mean?”

Youou shrugs a shoulder. It brushes against Yuui. “They were always gonna be second place to you.”

Yuui lets out a little gasp, and buries his face in his hands again. “Oh my god, you can’t just  _ say _ that out  _ loud,” _ he groans. “I’m trying to be emotionally vulnerable and you’re just gonna embarrass me to  _ death.” _

Youou can’t help but chuckle, even though his heart is pounding in his throat. “I was just trying to match you. Keep going.”

With a huff, Yuui straightens, his cheeks bright pink. “Anyway. What I was saying.” He runs a hand through his hair, fiddling with the ends. He isn’t looking him in the eye. “What I was saying is… I thought about being married to you. About having you like that. And it made me feel happy, and, and  _ excited _ about the future. I’ve spent so long being  _ terrified _ of letting others close enough to hurt me or to get hurt by me, but… you’re still here.” He finally looks up at Youou. “I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You make me want that. You make me feel safe.”

“Good,” Youou can only croak. “I’m. I’m glad.”

“I’m glad you’re glad,” Yuui says. “Really glad. Or I guess happy, I’m saying ‘glad’  _ way  _ too much, need to pick a different word, haha --”

“Yuui.”

“Right.” He nods. His hand sneaks over and strokes down Chii’s back. The background noise of her purr increases a little in volume for that moment. “I just wanted to… to apologize, for making you wait.”

Youou shakes his head. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Well, then thank you for being patient.”

“I wasn’t ‘waiting.’”

Yuui’s blush has reached his ears, but he looks Youou straight in the eye, confident and assured. “Just take the compliment, already! What I mean is - thank you for being there for me for years when I wasn’t ready for a relationship and not being weird about it. I’ve… I’ve really enjoyed our time together as best friends, and I don’t think changing how we define our relationship to a 'romantic' one would really change much about us, but… I think I’m ready to take that step, now. If you want to as well, obviously, but I’ve kind of gotten the sense that you  _ do _ …?”

Youou nods, his face hot. Yuui lets out a sigh of relief, and slumps back against the couch. The jolt makes Chii jump off Youou’s lap and pad over to her food bowl.

“You know I would have stuck around no matter what, right?” Youou says. He just - has to make sure. “Even if you never were comfortable. I wasn’t just… trying to earn it. I genuinely like being around you.”

“I know, I know,” Yuui says. “Trust me, I know what it’s like when you don’t wanna be around somebody. I  _ remember _ it. You’re my best friend, and a really good guy, Youou.” The look in his eyes is - is a  _ lot, _ but Youou determinedly keeps eye contact. “I’m really lucky to have you in my life. I hit the jackpot.”

“Me too,” Youou says, and fights back the part of him that wants him to keep his underbelly hidden. If not now, then when? “When my parents were killed, I dealt with it mostly by pushing away anyone who could hurt me if I lost them. It made me a complete jackass for most of my life. Therapy and my family helped, but I still… I didn’t let anyone get close, because I knew how much it hurt to lose people. But then I met you, and we got close, and then I - I realized that there were better things.”

“Like me forcing you to buy me ice cream by pretending I forgot my wallet?” Yuui interjects, voice shaking and mouth crumpled in a smile.

“You know I can tell every time you lie about that,” Youou replies. “Also, don’t interrupt me. You know I hate - I have trouble with this kind of stuff.”

Yuui laughs gently. “Sorry, sorry.”

Youou continues. “Having you around… it’s made me a better person. I want to…” His face is red, he just knows it, but he pushes through, because Yuui deserves to hear this. “I want to protect you. I want to keep you safe and happy. I never want to hurt you.”

“I know,” Yuui says, voice thick with tears. But Youou’s seen him cry before, and knows that there’s nothing at all to worry about. “I know that. And I love you for it. You’re the only person I feel truly safe around.”

That hits Youou like a punch in the chest. His breath shudders out of him. “Good. That’s all I want.”

A tear runs down Yuui’s smiling cheek, and Youou wipes it away. “You’re… you’re unbelievable, Youou. Can we kiss, finally? I’ve wanted to kiss you for  _ years.” _

Youou grins. “Yeah. Same here.”

And then they do.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed - this fic was a labor of love. This fic was for the 2020 KuroFai Olympics - the 10th anniversary! I participated in 2016 and had a blast writing the longest thing I've still ever written. The last three years I've been busy with a beloved summer job, which due to the pandemic was cancelled - but at least I got to write in the Olympics again, which I've missed a ton. Glad to be back.
> 
> I couldn't have completed this without the support of my sweet friend Maeve, who beta'd this and encouraged me and looked forward to me having written more even though she's never read Tsubasa. You're an angel on earth!!
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/plounce) and [tumblr](https://plounce.tumblr.com) as @plounce, if you want to see me froth at the mouth about Ace Attorney.
> 
> Title is from the song "Cool Yourself" by Thao and the Get Down Stay Down. That song 10 times in a row could be a perfectly accurate playlist for this fic. Thao is who they're listening to in the car, by the way.


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